God only knows

Lately, I'm not sure quite what to think about God.

Well, there are many thoughts. They are not, however, communally coherent.

• God is not a feeling. God is a fact. My attitude toward him does not alter his existence.
• I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe the statements of the Apostles' Creed, etc. But do I love God? This sounds incredibly sacreligious, but, do I love Abraham Lincoln for doing what he did about slavery? Do I love George Washington and miscellaneous veterans for fighting for my freedom? I am thankful for them and grateful to them, would be in awe of them if I ever met them, respect them. Yes, what God has done for me is on a whole other playing field. But I categorize the crucifixion with that kind of fact -- in 1861, the Civil War started. In the early decades of A.D., Jesus died on the cross. Does this make any sense? I know I should love God.
• I do not love church as, again, I know I should. I do not love people, the human race, as a whole, as I should.
• The contemporary Christian church culture disturbs others, as well -- I was talking with a good friend this weekend and was surprised to learn she dislikes her megachurch, but it's the only one with a twenty-somethings group.
• I do not suffer. I avoid suffering. Suffering breaks me down. I do not suffer well.