netscape tabloid, pt. 2

Just to finish up this series and be fair to the ever-perplexing majority of regular readers who are single men, the following are the Ten Things Every Single Woman Should Own.

"1. A fabulous photo of yourself -- Post that sucker at eye level on your fridge so your male guest can't help but notice it as he checks out if you have beer (see item #5). What he says: "Is that you?" What he means: 'Daa-aamn, girl, you're hotter than I realized!'" I don't know if I buy this. Thoughts?

"2. A pretty pair of heels -- Admit it. You feel like Maria from West Side Story (You feel pretty, oh so pretty…) when you slip on a pair of nice heels." I think I do own some heels of various types, but I can't say I enjoy wearing them or feel anything but awkward while doing so. Men, do men like heels and if so, how much and why?

"3. An Eminem CD -- Balance out your collection with one CD, any CD, by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he'll be. It shows you have an open mind and aren't easily offended—and that's music to any man's ears." Mmm, forget it.

"4. A great pickup line…and a way to blow 'em off -- In this post-chivalrous period, we can't always depend on guys to initiate contact, so prepare thyself with one simple, non-cheesy icebreaker to lay on that cutie who's making his way to your area of the bar." Do real people seriously use pick-up lines?

"5. A six-pack of good bottled beer -- A prepared single girl is ready to host and toast at any time. " So far, this is probably the closest tip to being realistic.

"6. Bathroom reading" -- I think they were desperate to find 10 things.

"7. A business card -- After the age of 18, it's no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you." Yep, they were desperate.

"8. Earplugs -- Ah, there's nothing sweeter than a man who wants to cuddle up with you in bed for a long night's sleep. Unless—SNZZGGHGHRRJJZZZ!—he snores so loudly you can't get any sleep." Wow, really desperate.

"9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial -- Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice (a personal Queer Eye for Your Closet). But when it comes to relationship advice, you need another source." Really, really desperate. Wow, this list is a letdown. It's not even amusing like the other one was.

10. -- I'll just let you guess what this one might have been.