netscape: the online tabloid

One of my co-workers has Netscape mail. Netscape's homepage is full of links about strange news or celebrity news or online dating advice. Occasionally he will read to us stories about the top 100 places to live in the U.S. or a Bigfoot theory or what have you. Entertainment. And entertainment is all well and good, it just makes me think of tabloids when it's in this form.

You have to give them credit: these topics do catch your eye and pique your interest. For example: today, a link advertised "Ten things every single man should have," and although you know you won't agree with them, you still want to know what ridiculous things they said. And here's what they said:

"1. A Top-Notch Coffee/Espresso Maker -- Any girl who’s at your place for dinner (or lounging in your bed come morning) deserves a classier send-off than “see ya,” so trade in your college-days $20 coffee maker for a machine that’ll give Starbucks a run for its money. " The recommended machine runs for $230. Maybe that $230 would be better spent... anywhere else at all.

"2. A Lamp in Your Bedroom -- Now, all of you, go out and buy a bedside lamp with a fabric shade. This inexpensive trifle is not lost on women, who not only see it as a sign of your civility (imagine that, a light switch within arm’s reach vs. across the room!), she’ll also feel much more comfortable under its softer, more forgiving glow." (Gag, gag...)

"3. Swiffer Sweeper + Swiffer Cloths + Swiffer Wet Cloths -- For her, walking across your floor barefoot should not be an exercise in muck tolerance." This one's okay -- they really are handy gadgets. I would buy them if my apartment wasn't completely carpeted.

"4. A Comfortable Couch -- Repeat after me: You do not need a black leather couch. Skip the cliché and pick out a plush upholstered sofa, like the simple, elegant, under $1,000 Mercer at Roomandboard.com." Everyone should have a comfortable couch, not just single men. I really need a new couch, too. Or any couch at all.

"5. Nice Underwear -- When it comes to your love life, the last thing you want is for your underwear to be a mood-killer..." (lol)

"6. A Key-Ring That Can Fix, Cut, and Open Anything -- Sure, your power-tool collection is outstanding—but it'll do you no good sitting in your closet when your date's sunglasses come apart at the restaurant." Tell your freaking date to buy a new pair of sunglasses. Why the heck does she need her sunglasses functioning at the restaurant anyway? Chances are it's evening and the sun isn't out anymore...

"7. $150+ Jeans -- Why cough up that much dough when you can find a seemingly fine pair for much less? Because designer denim does make a difference—and you can wear them everywhere from a dive bar to a five-star restaurant, if paired with the right shirt and suit jacket." 1) Never wear jeans, no matter their worth, to a five-star restaurant. 2) The only kind of date who will notice your jeans are designer denim is the kind that may spend you out of house and home one day.

"8. $200+ Dress Shoes -- Accept it: Girls are into footwear, and your feet will be one of the first things she looks at." 1) No they won't. 2) I have never seen a pair of shoes that cost more than $125 in my entire life. 3) If I knew my date was wearing $200+ dress shoes, I would think he was an incredibly irresponsible spender.

"9. 300-Thread-Count Cotton Sheets"-- That's a tad overboard. And who sits and counts the threads, anyway?

"10. The Joy of Cooking -- Few things are sexier than a guy who can cook…" Am I the only girl in the world who doesn't think a guy who can cook is particularly sexy? I can't figure out why everyone doesn't think the other way around -- that a guy who can't cook, is "helpless," is particularly sexy (not that I think that, either). That at least my stimulate the female "mothering" instinct (and please forgive the word "mothering" in connection with dating, but it really is true).